fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
