it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
