just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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