Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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