I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
