real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
