Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
