my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He better not be in your backpack
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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