I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
