I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
