I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
