Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
