Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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