the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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