i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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