I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
