Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i just made my gag reflex go away.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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