Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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