The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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