her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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