I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize