Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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