If i come over, it means nothing
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
