Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
