During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
