My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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