Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize