she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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