i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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