I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
