i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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