Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
