can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just cropdusted the office
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
