How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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