I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
