I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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