So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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