My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
