I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
