dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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