Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
