I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You've changed since you got that strap on
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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