Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
