Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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