those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
