i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
