I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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