You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
