Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
