I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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