What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
3pm strippers are depressing
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
