I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
