Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
