You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
