bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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