my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
We left an ass print on the piano.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
