Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize