I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
