dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
