Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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